Sunday, January 24, 2010

This time nothing gets in our way

Got through another day. My tongue is doing better - it hasn't hurt at all even though I've been doing more talking. It's still a tiny bit swollen though, and I need to work on pronouncing my s's so I don't sound like a weirdo. No one in my family has said anything though, so maybe it's not that noticeable.

Today I found out my siblings and I won't be going to my aunt's wedding at the end of February, a change of plans I'm actually happy with. I'm not close to that side of the family, and I don't really care about weddings. Plus I wasn't going to be at my goal weight by then and going to a wedding would have interfered with my 40-day fast.

Today is day 3 and it's going well so far. I don't want to count it officially until I get up tomorrow morning, as many a time I've been doing great only to fuck it all up at 10 or 11 at night. Last night was difficult: first my brother made popcorn, which always makes the entire house smell tasty, and then later I kept thinking about binging. It came pretty close but I was able to talk myself out of it, thanks in part to my tongue ring (when it hasn't been in long I have to take it out in order to binge or it gets uncomfortable).

I realized last night that I needed a better strategy for dealing with the smell (and the thought) of food. It all comes down to changing my mindset. So now instead of smelling something and wanting to eat it, I can just enjoy the smell (which is often the best part anyway) and the empty feeling in my stomach that means I'm doing well.

It's funny - I'm so used to binging all the time and feeling like shit that it's a bit strange to realize I'm not uncomfortably full. I kinda don't know what to do with it. That's probably part of why I have a hard time not binging when the urge strikes - I'm just so used to giving in every time that it's going to take a lot of hard work and discipline to get rid of that habit once and for all.

Which is why I think a full 40 days of completely avoiding food will be good for me. I can break the cycle of binging, and when I do begin eating again I'll start with very small amounts and refuse to allow myself to go overboard.

1 comment:

  1. I'm also trying to deal with the smell of food. I am so weak that if I even get around food, I usually binge (and end up purging, which I hate). I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to follow how your stategy works out.