Sunday, August 22, 2010

The dirt unswept


Not a bad loss. Still in that place where losses can't make me very happy, but I expect that will change when I get under 135. I hope. I decided to wait and do progress photos when I reach the halfway point (about 132) so there's a more noticeable difference from my start photos.

Today's fast has gone well thus far; but I have to leave for work in 15 minutes, and that'll be the real challenge. It's always so easy to buy a bunch of shit food when I get off work and binge while everyone's asleep. But that's disgusting and ineffective and a huge waste of money that I don't have.

If I want to reach my goal by Oct 4 (the day I started this mess almost nine years ago) I have to lose six pounds this week and next, then five pounds each week until the fourth. I can't make any more stupid mistakes.

In light of this, and after reviewing my planned diet, I've decided I really don't need any days that go over 300 cals. That's just unnecessary. Tomorrow I start with 100 cals; should be a breeze.

Alright, now I'm off to work - here's hoping I can hold on to my willpower. :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

A promise kept

Today's fast has gone well (yeah, the day's not over yet, but I'm feeling good about it). I'm getting ready to make my third cup of tea, speaking of which: my mom and I got a bunch of the most delicious loose teas EVER during our trip (we took a detour into town, cause we're clearly all about roughing it). So anyway, part of my excitement could be cause I've only ever had supermarket boxed teas, but these people had so many freaking awesome flavors (like caramel apple almond!) and I practically had an orgasm just smelling them (hehe, hyperbole alert!).

What I'm especially happy about is that they're super flavorful and don't taste like my typical idea of tea - much as I've tried, I just can't stand regular teas like plain green or chamomile or english breakfast - nor do they taste like slightly flavored water (which fills me with rage - I cannot stand when people put a lemon in my water, as that only provides enough flavor to be completely disgusting). What I'm saying is, these teas practically count as a meal (yet are free of calories). I am absolutely in love and will probably never go back to lame normal teas.

~End product endorsement~ ;)

I also accomplished my workout for the day. Woo! I've decided that since I'll likely be lacking in energy due to low calorie intake I'm only going to commit to running one mile each day, with an option to add a couple wind-sprints in if I'm feeling ambitious. For strength training I started today with 20 push-ups (lame!), 30 sit-ups, and 40 squats with a 45lb weight bar. Each day I'll add one rep to the previous day's total, theoretically building muscle without killing myself. ;) I'll also be throwing in some yoga/stretching after my runs to get some flexibility back.

Tomorrow I'll be getting my hair cut and colored, which will take a few hours and should make it super easy to fast as my parents will be at church in the morning and I'll be working in the evening.

Here's hoping I see a decent loss in the morning! (I've got measurements and progress pics to take)

Can we indemnify ourselves if we don't face what we're against?

I am so very inconsistent. I spent the summer in a big heap of fail, but over the past couple weeks I've been doing better. I finally reached 145 which, while not a terribly impressive accomplishment, is still a place I haven't been since 2009.

This past week I went on a two-night camping trip with my mother and one of her friends, I was able to do surprisingly well. The first day I had 90 calories of soup for dinner, the second I had a 90-cal granola bar for lunch and some salad and gelato for dinner (which I purged). Then on the last day as we packed up and left I didn't eat anything. I honestly did not expect to be able to eat that little without anyone noticing. I was worried at first that my mom would say something to me after we got home, but she hasn't and I think I'm in the clear. I suspect that my family is so used to looking out for evidence of binging that I'll have to be visibly much thinner before they start to wonder. I should be able to put off their concern longer by focusing on how I'm not binging, and any weight loss is just a result of that.

Yesterday wasn't so great, as I ended up binging, but it didn't screw up my weight too much. This time, instead of letting myself spiral down into a week-long binge-purge cycle, I'm stopping it right now and getting back on track.

I'm going on a modified ABC diet during which I'll be fasting every other day and never going above 500 cals. I'll be fasting today and tomorrow to make up for yesterday, and that should put me back on track to lose five pounds each week. Wish me luck!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Like A Building Condemned

Sometimes dismally low expectations turn out to be spot-on.

I try, I really do try, to be optimistic about the possibility of finding someone. Despite the fact that I think it extremely unlikely I'll ever find the right person, I still hold out hope that it could happen, and I try to be open to meeting guys and getting to know them and all that crap. Then, of course, things like this weekend happen. 

I went downtown to hang out with friends on both Saturday and Sunday, which is unprecedented for me lately, what with the whole fat, unattractive, and poor thing I've got going on. So anyway, some people had a friend from college (who is moving out here later this year) visiting for the weekend, and he was present at both the events I attended. We all hung out, had fun times, and he and I talked quite a bit. He was cute, and funny, and all that good stuff. Even more, my instincts said he was interested. He sure seemed to be anyway.

But now that we're friends on Facebook, I've seen that he has a girlfriend, and I feel more than a little bit stupid. I don't think it was apparent that I was attracted to him or anything, as I tend to keep those kinds of things pretty well under wraps, but I still worry that people figured it out and think I'm pathetic or something (cause I'm sure they care so much that they pay that close of attention to me. Haha, right). 

I mostly feel like an idiot because despite getting the distinct impression that this guy was interested, my head told me I was wrong. My head always tells me I'm wrong, because who in their right mind would be interested in me? So this time, I tried to ignore the negative voice in my head and go with my instincts. I spent a fair amount of effort convincing myself that there was no reason for him not to like me, and generally getting my hopes up.

I should have expected it, because every time (and I do mean every time) I'm actually interested in someone, they never feel the same. The only people I've ever dated (one hook-up excluded) have been people I had lukewarm feelings for, and I said yes figuring maybe I'd come to like them more as I got to know them (the answer is no). So it's just incredibly disheartening to have all my low opinions of myself constantly proved right.

Now, I realize that this one experience doesn't mean I won't ever meet someone in the future, but it's another tally mark on the side of it's-never-gonna-work-out-for-me pessimism. I feel like I should have stuck with my previous expectation, the one where I accept the fact that I'll probably always be alone (as far as romantic relationships go), and plan my life accordingly. Then if the unexpected happens and I do meet someone, it will just be a bonus.

So, that was a long and whiny emo post, wasn't it? Other than my pathetic excuse for a romantic life, I'm actually doing pretty well. I haven't lost much weight, because March was a complete failure, but I think I may have found a three-pronged plan for success. 

>First, I'm no longer allowed to spend money indiscriminately, due to my near-complete lack of it. Thus, I've devised a reward system where I get to purchase something for every five pounds I lose. This way, in order to get the things I want I have to be successful at losing weight. I'm putting this list in the sidebar so I can check them off as I go. :)

>Second, I signed up for a half-marathon at the end of June. I felt some serious trepidation about this one, but since a bunch of my friends are doing it, I allowed myself to be convinced to join in. My biggest concern was that I'd fail to get in shape by the time the race rolled around and embarrass myself by being pathetically slow. That could definitely still happen, but so far I've been doing really well at sticking to my training plan. It seems that unlike the arbitrary deadlines I've previously set for myself, having a definite, have-to-be-in-shape-by-then date has kept me on track. I can't make excuses for not working out when I have a goal pace to meet, and looking forward to race day has actually helped make each run not seem so bad. 

>The final branch of my plan for success is the labret(lip) piercing I got on Friday. I found that my tongue piercing was not really deterring binging, as I've had it long enough that it's fairly easy to just take out and put back in. Now, my new piercing is certainly not going to prevent binging long-term, but I can't take it out while it's healing and I don't want it to get infected, so it makes a good initial preventative measure to give myself a head start. It's supposed to take at least two months to heal, and if that's the case I should have the binging problem well in hand by then. After all, the biggest hurdle I have to get past is the initial struggle to escape the addictive nature of binging. The urges to stuff my face are always worst when I'm first trying to stop, so if I can just get past that I should be able to finally beat this problem.

That's the master plan. I hope to reach my goal weight at the end of May so that a have a full month of training in which I'm actually eating a more normal amount of food, as I'm sure I'll need the energy in order to improve my mile time. Today I weighed in at 148.6 (bleh), and I'm hoping to be a pound less tomorrow, and 145 (next reward weight!) on Thursday. Sadly, the lowest I've gotten in a long time is 147, which is incredibly lame. But hey, things are looking up on that front, so I've gotta stay optimistic.

Monday, March 1, 2010

A cadence imperfect

And look at that - it's March. I got the full five points yesterday, which is great. Didn't eat anything, which is also great. I also rediscovered my love of Crystal Light, which will be indispensable in my quest to drink enough water.

For my exercise I ran a mile, and did 50 one-leg squats for each leg plus a 1-minute plank, pilates 100, and another 150 crunches. I plan on focusing on 2-3 areas each day for strength training, and doing enough to be sore the next day. For cardio, I'm thinking of alternating each day of general running with a day of sprints, and trying to gradually increase my distance for both.

I hate that I've never been consistent enough about exercising to get in really good cardiovascular shape. This time around I'm going to stick it out long enough to actually see improvement. I'm not going to try to do too much; instead I'm going to do what I can, and eventually that limit will increase.

I'm trying to change my mindset about my past as well. Instead of feeling like a failure when I reminisce about the times I was thin, I'm going to look at that as inspiration and focus on how much better I felt about myself. I made it there once; I can certainly do it again.

Now that it's March, I no longer have any time for screwing up if I want to look good when the weather gets nice. I don't want to be stuck at home, fat and miserable, when I could be out on my friend's boat having fun. I have 25 days until the weekend snowboarding trip, and if I do really well I'm hoping to be in the 120's by then. I may be able to avoid getting in the hot tub, but I definitely have to wear my snowboarding gear and I want it to actually fit.

So in light of that, I'm off to do my five sprints and drink some water. :)