Thursday, January 28, 2010

But as we peer a little closer what do we see?

Well, I've got to commend myself for calling this one. After mentioning here that I tend to fuck things up late in the evening, what do you think I did?

That's right, I went and FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. Wonderful.

And because I'm no longer capable of keeping my binges confined to a short time period and then purging, I spent all of Monday AND Tuesday periodically stuffing my face. Way to go. Eventually I realized it made more sense to just stop eating rather than continuing to try to eat enough that I can get off my ass and purge. So I got up on Wednesday and recommitted, as it were, to doing things right.

It's pathetic and stupid that I let this desire to binge completely take over my life. I need to stop letting myself be tricked into thinking that's what I want, because IT SURE AS HELL IS NOT. I don't want to be this weakling that can't control herself - I'm stronger than that.

All I have to do is get it through my head that eating piles of fatty, disgusting junk food is in fact not what I truly want to do - it's just the chemicals in my body trying to take control. I will get what I want by refusing to listen to anything or anyone else.

Mind over matter, my friends.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

This time nothing gets in our way

Got through another day. My tongue is doing better - it hasn't hurt at all even though I've been doing more talking. It's still a tiny bit swollen though, and I need to work on pronouncing my s's so I don't sound like a weirdo. No one in my family has said anything though, so maybe it's not that noticeable.

Today I found out my siblings and I won't be going to my aunt's wedding at the end of February, a change of plans I'm actually happy with. I'm not close to that side of the family, and I don't really care about weddings. Plus I wasn't going to be at my goal weight by then and going to a wedding would have interfered with my 40-day fast.

Today is day 3 and it's going well so far. I don't want to count it officially until I get up tomorrow morning, as many a time I've been doing great only to fuck it all up at 10 or 11 at night. Last night was difficult: first my brother made popcorn, which always makes the entire house smell tasty, and then later I kept thinking about binging. It came pretty close but I was able to talk myself out of it, thanks in part to my tongue ring (when it hasn't been in long I have to take it out in order to binge or it gets uncomfortable).

I realized last night that I needed a better strategy for dealing with the smell (and the thought) of food. It all comes down to changing my mindset. So now instead of smelling something and wanting to eat it, I can just enjoy the smell (which is often the best part anyway) and the empty feeling in my stomach that means I'm doing well.

It's funny - I'm so used to binging all the time and feeling like shit that it's a bit strange to realize I'm not uncomfortably full. I kinda don't know what to do with it. That's probably part of why I have a hard time not binging when the urge strikes - I'm just so used to giving in every time that it's going to take a lot of hard work and discipline to get rid of that habit once and for all.

Which is why I think a full 40 days of completely avoiding food will be good for me. I can break the cycle of binging, and when I do begin eating again I'll start with very small amounts and refuse to allow myself to go overboard.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So start again with steady hands

My biggest problem is impatience. I can't lose forty pounds in a week, and I know that, but I'm so sick of being fat that when I don't see any visible progress I get discouraged. And that is when I'm more likely to succumb to binging, which derails any progress I might have made.

I re-pierced my tongue yesterday (only took twenty minutes to force the jewelry through this time; I must be getting better at it), and my frustration at the fact that it becomes slightly painful if I talk too much is what prompted my musings on patience. If I can't even wait more than a day for my tongue to get used to being pierced, how can I expect myself to lose weight?

So I've given myself a two week waiting period, and I have no choice but to stick to it. I'm giving my tongue two weeks to calm down, during which I will subsist on a liquid, zero-calorie diet. Water, tea and diet soda it is. At the end of this two weeks I will check my weight, and maybe seeing a larger drop then will be better than seeing a miniscule drop each day.

My reward for sticking to this two-week fast will be a two-night trip to the ocean (in all likelihood by myself), which will add a few more days to the fast. When I come home from the trip I can decide to continue fasting or allow myself a couple hundred calories per day. I'm hoping I can stretch it out into a 40-day fast, because that would be impressive.

When I wake up on February 5th having stuck with the fast I can officially say the trip is a go. I'm thinking I'll go on a Wednesday & Thursday night (so Feb 10-12) so I don't have to worry about any weekend crowds, and of course I have to be in town on Tuesday nights for Lost.

I'm on day two now, and it would be really nice to make it past three days. So here I go!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

We hole up in a shelter made of bones and ice and there we'll wait

Pretty successful day.

Weight: 147.8 < blech

total cereal (80)
coffee w/ soy creamer (20)
large carrot (30)
1 tsp dressing (10)
granola bar (130)
Total: 270 calories

running - 3 miles (300)
strength training - 30 minutes (200)
bike ride - 1.5 miles (100)
Total: 600 calories

I didn't quite get to my hoped-for 800 calorie burn, but 600 is still pretty damn good. I think I'm going to switch my exercise up a bit and get all my running in before I get too tired at the end of the day. So tomorrow I'll run in the morning, lift weights before lunch, run again in the afternoon, and then try to get some walking done in the evening.

I love how great I feel after a run - so energized and accomplished. This is in sharp contrast to when I'm actually running and feel like I might die (well, not literally). I've always had pretty good muscle strength without really having to work out, but my cardiovascular endurance is just crap. I don't know that it will improve much while I'm on such a restricted diet, but I plan to keep trying until I've lost weight and can focus on fitness.

I kind of hate the fact that I'm so impatient about losing weight. I also hate that it's impossible to lose five pounds a day. I'm all about contradictions, apparently. What I currently find more disturbing, however, is that my perception of my own weight seems to have become skewed. I occasionally find myself thinking I don't look that bad at this weight, which might not seem like a terrible thing, but invariably when I see pictures of myself on days when I thought I looked good I'm faced with the horror that I was so very wrong.

I suspect this problem stems from the fact that I'm so used to seeing myself weigh 20 pounds less than I do now, and my perception hasn't quite caught up to reality. To be honest, I hope it never fully does. For every ten pounds gone I plan on never seeing them again. I've already said goodbye to the 150's (thankfully I stayed just short of reaching 160, which I expect would have been horrifyingly sad); next up - the 140's.

I think I'm going to make mini-goals every five pounds. I don't know that I'll have any sort of reward that often, cause just being able to say I reached a goal is pretty good. I do have to think up a suitable (non-food, of course) reward for when I get under 130, because I haven't seen the 120's since... September of '08. That's just sad. Sad and pathetic.

So on to positive thoughts! My next goal is 145, which I should reach by the end of the week. That's something to be happy about (gotta think positively - to be honest I'm really not okay with anything above 125, but I have to appreciate the little successes so I don't set myself up for failure). :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

The kind of hurt that burns and burns, like fires we can't contain

Look at me posting twice in one day like a crazy person.

I've gone back and forth so many times in the past, trying to find the best way to get myself to succeed, and I've always failed in one way or another. So now I'm just going to devise a plan and force myself to follow it. No exceptions for anything.

I'm going to follow a modified version of the ABC Diet, which is something I've never tried before. I realize it's just a 50-day diet with arbitrary calorie numbers attached to each one, but maybe having a set number of calories to consume each day will work for me.

I changed some of the calorie targets so that I never go above 300, as that's the upper limit I've set for myself. I don't plan on counting calories from sugar-free gum, and I am of course free to consume less than each day's calorie target, as long as I remember I can't make them up the following day.

Today is day two (I decided to make the first two days fast days), and happily for my love of neatness day 50 falls on the last day of February. I should have no trouble losing half a pound each day without factoring in exercise, which would put my total weight loss by the end of the diet at 25 pounds. I would prefer to lose more than that, of course, so I'm going to try to get in enough exercise to lose three quarters of a pound each day.

That adds up to a 2,625 calorie deficit every day, which is a pretty tall order for someone who burns a max of 1800 calories when sedentary. I don't know if I'll be able to burn 800+ extra calories every day, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

First thing every morning I'm going to get up and run two miles (~200cals). In the afternoon I will lift weights for 30 minutes (~200cals) and go for a bike ride or a long walk (~200cals). Then in the evening, another two-mile run (~200cals). If I'm unable to sustain a running pace (pansy) for two miles straight I can walk for brief periods, but I must increase the distance so that I go the full two miles at a running pace.

There will be no more excuses (I'm tired; don't feel like it; maybe later; have something else to do) for why I can't exercise. I'm just going to man-up and stick to the schedule I've set for myself. If by some odd chance I actually have plans that conflict with my workout schedule, I will get up earlier, go to bed later, do what I have to do, so that I get all my workouts in. That's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is day 3 and I am allowed up to 300 calories. It's a good day to begin my workout regimen. If I stick to my diet and exercise plan I should lose 35 pounds, putting me within five pounds of my goal. That sounds freaking spectacular to me. All I have to do is remind myself of the goal I'm working toward any time I don't feel like sticking to the plan.

In March, I'll finally be able to say yes to those party invitations people keep sending me. :)

A chance to set things straight

I can't look too far into the future - that way lies madness.

After all, I have nothing going for me now; any attempt to imagine my life in five years has me coming up empty. In order for my life to have any meaning, in order for my to be happy, I have to radically alter the direction I'm headed. I have to succeed in this attempt or I will spend the rest of my days miserable, wishing I had made different choices, wishing I was thin.

I've been trapped in this shell for far too long now. I must take back control and shape my life into what I want it to be. I can't survive on the dying fumes of nostalgia forever. One day I will wake up and realize it's too late - I've spent all the best years of my life failing time and again, and now I have nothing to show for my life and no time to make things right.

Yesterday went well, so that's one day under my belt. Today is all I need to focus on. Looking ahead at how far I still have to go only leads to discouragement and failure. All that matters today is today.

There are many ways to pass the time successfully, without resorting to bingeing:
- lift weights
- go running
- shower, shave, and moisturize
- read books
- surf the internet
- walk or ride my bike
- clean my room or the entire house
- paint my nails
- calculate weight loss goal dates
- calculate number of calories to consume at goal weight
- plan future meals
- write
- draw
- watch tv and movies
- hike
- sketch future clothing purchases
- window shop
- read magazines at Barnes & Noble
- go to the library
- go to a movie
- try out new make-up looks and photograph them
- plan 3-day trips
- go on 3-day trips
- look at thinspo!

These ideas are just off the top of my head. Any time I feel I have nothing to do I can revisit this list and choose something to keep myself busy. Many of them have the added benefit of making my life better and me prettier.

The only thing preventing me from being everything I want to be is myself, and I know how to deal with her.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A sinking ship, an awkward kiss

I've spent far too much of my life worrying what other people think of me; trying to alter my personality, and my likes and dislikes, to make them happy. The time is long past for me to stop all of that and be who I want to be.

I'm going to be weird, and different, and above all I'm going to be thin. The days of being blubbery and disgusting are over. I'm going to embrace the feeling of hunger, knowing that the emptiness in my stomach is evidence of success. When I experience bouts of dizziness it means an end to self-hatred is just around the corner.

I have no obligations or responsibilities; now is the perfect time to focus all my energy on reaching my goal weight, so that when I have a job and plans with friends I will no longer be ashamed to let myself be seen in public.

My daily priorities will be as follows: avoid eating at all costs, lift weights, and run. Updating blogs, reading, and all other leisure activities can be used as a distraction. I know from experience that I have no trouble wasting an entire day online and hardly taking note of the passage of time - this can be used to my advantage. I've already got a decent list of books on hold at the library, and I can add to that, keeping myself occupied with things I haven't already read multiple times.

My life may be slightly unpleasant for a couple months, but that is something I can easily deal with if I refrain from psyching myself out. Once I arrive at my goal weight, my life will be so much better. This is not the naive hope of someone who doesn't know any better; I have lived here, and I have lived there, and I know for a fact that here is much worse.

So here's to the last time I see these 40 extra pounds; if starving is what it takes, then I will starve them away until this bloated existence is but a distant memory.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hairline Fracture

I was recently asked by a friend, after getting some new piercings, to recall what I was like five or ten years ago. What were my interests? What did I think was cool or attractive? His objective was, of course, for me to reconsider my choice to get unusual piercings based on the way I've changed over the years. The plan backfired, because it turns out I'm nearly the same as I've always been.

I know who I am, and I know what I want. Nothing matters if I cannot be thin, not even my own life.

And so I turn my back on reason and run headlong down the path that I hope will lead to salvation.