Monday, April 12, 2010

Like A Building Condemned

Sometimes dismally low expectations turn out to be spot-on.

I try, I really do try, to be optimistic about the possibility of finding someone. Despite the fact that I think it extremely unlikely I'll ever find the right person, I still hold out hope that it could happen, and I try to be open to meeting guys and getting to know them and all that crap. Then, of course, things like this weekend happen. 

I went downtown to hang out with friends on both Saturday and Sunday, which is unprecedented for me lately, what with the whole fat, unattractive, and poor thing I've got going on. So anyway, some people had a friend from college (who is moving out here later this year) visiting for the weekend, and he was present at both the events I attended. We all hung out, had fun times, and he and I talked quite a bit. He was cute, and funny, and all that good stuff. Even more, my instincts said he was interested. He sure seemed to be anyway.

But now that we're friends on Facebook, I've seen that he has a girlfriend, and I feel more than a little bit stupid. I don't think it was apparent that I was attracted to him or anything, as I tend to keep those kinds of things pretty well under wraps, but I still worry that people figured it out and think I'm pathetic or something (cause I'm sure they care so much that they pay that close of attention to me. Haha, right). 

I mostly feel like an idiot because despite getting the distinct impression that this guy was interested, my head told me I was wrong. My head always tells me I'm wrong, because who in their right mind would be interested in me? So this time, I tried to ignore the negative voice in my head and go with my instincts. I spent a fair amount of effort convincing myself that there was no reason for him not to like me, and generally getting my hopes up.

I should have expected it, because every time (and I do mean every time) I'm actually interested in someone, they never feel the same. The only people I've ever dated (one hook-up excluded) have been people I had lukewarm feelings for, and I said yes figuring maybe I'd come to like them more as I got to know them (the answer is no). So it's just incredibly disheartening to have all my low opinions of myself constantly proved right.

Now, I realize that this one experience doesn't mean I won't ever meet someone in the future, but it's another tally mark on the side of it's-never-gonna-work-out-for-me pessimism. I feel like I should have stuck with my previous expectation, the one where I accept the fact that I'll probably always be alone (as far as romantic relationships go), and plan my life accordingly. Then if the unexpected happens and I do meet someone, it will just be a bonus.

So, that was a long and whiny emo post, wasn't it? Other than my pathetic excuse for a romantic life, I'm actually doing pretty well. I haven't lost much weight, because March was a complete failure, but I think I may have found a three-pronged plan for success. 

>First, I'm no longer allowed to spend money indiscriminately, due to my near-complete lack of it. Thus, I've devised a reward system where I get to purchase something for every five pounds I lose. This way, in order to get the things I want I have to be successful at losing weight. I'm putting this list in the sidebar so I can check them off as I go. :)

>Second, I signed up for a half-marathon at the end of June. I felt some serious trepidation about this one, but since a bunch of my friends are doing it, I allowed myself to be convinced to join in. My biggest concern was that I'd fail to get in shape by the time the race rolled around and embarrass myself by being pathetically slow. That could definitely still happen, but so far I've been doing really well at sticking to my training plan. It seems that unlike the arbitrary deadlines I've previously set for myself, having a definite, have-to-be-in-shape-by-then date has kept me on track. I can't make excuses for not working out when I have a goal pace to meet, and looking forward to race day has actually helped make each run not seem so bad. 

>The final branch of my plan for success is the labret(lip) piercing I got on Friday. I found that my tongue piercing was not really deterring binging, as I've had it long enough that it's fairly easy to just take out and put back in. Now, my new piercing is certainly not going to prevent binging long-term, but I can't take it out while it's healing and I don't want it to get infected, so it makes a good initial preventative measure to give myself a head start. It's supposed to take at least two months to heal, and if that's the case I should have the binging problem well in hand by then. After all, the biggest hurdle I have to get past is the initial struggle to escape the addictive nature of binging. The urges to stuff my face are always worst when I'm first trying to stop, so if I can just get past that I should be able to finally beat this problem.

That's the master plan. I hope to reach my goal weight at the end of May so that a have a full month of training in which I'm actually eating a more normal amount of food, as I'm sure I'll need the energy in order to improve my mile time. Today I weighed in at 148.6 (bleh), and I'm hoping to be a pound less tomorrow, and 145 (next reward weight!) on Thursday. Sadly, the lowest I've gotten in a long time is 147, which is incredibly lame. But hey, things are looking up on that front, so I've gotta stay optimistic.