Sunday, January 10, 2010

A sinking ship, an awkward kiss

I've spent far too much of my life worrying what other people think of me; trying to alter my personality, and my likes and dislikes, to make them happy. The time is long past for me to stop all of that and be who I want to be.

I'm going to be weird, and different, and above all I'm going to be thin. The days of being blubbery and disgusting are over. I'm going to embrace the feeling of hunger, knowing that the emptiness in my stomach is evidence of success. When I experience bouts of dizziness it means an end to self-hatred is just around the corner.

I have no obligations or responsibilities; now is the perfect time to focus all my energy on reaching my goal weight, so that when I have a job and plans with friends I will no longer be ashamed to let myself be seen in public.

My daily priorities will be as follows: avoid eating at all costs, lift weights, and run. Updating blogs, reading, and all other leisure activities can be used as a distraction. I know from experience that I have no trouble wasting an entire day online and hardly taking note of the passage of time - this can be used to my advantage. I've already got a decent list of books on hold at the library, and I can add to that, keeping myself occupied with things I haven't already read multiple times.

My life may be slightly unpleasant for a couple months, but that is something I can easily deal with if I refrain from psyching myself out. Once I arrive at my goal weight, my life will be so much better. This is not the naive hope of someone who doesn't know any better; I have lived here, and I have lived there, and I know for a fact that here is much worse.

So here's to the last time I see these 40 extra pounds; if starving is what it takes, then I will starve them away until this bloated existence is but a distant memory.

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