Sunday, August 22, 2010

The dirt unswept


Not a bad loss. Still in that place where losses can't make me very happy, but I expect that will change when I get under 135. I hope. I decided to wait and do progress photos when I reach the halfway point (about 132) so there's a more noticeable difference from my start photos.

Today's fast has gone well thus far; but I have to leave for work in 15 minutes, and that'll be the real challenge. It's always so easy to buy a bunch of shit food when I get off work and binge while everyone's asleep. But that's disgusting and ineffective and a huge waste of money that I don't have.

If I want to reach my goal by Oct 4 (the day I started this mess almost nine years ago) I have to lose six pounds this week and next, then five pounds each week until the fourth. I can't make any more stupid mistakes.

In light of this, and after reviewing my planned diet, I've decided I really don't need any days that go over 300 cals. That's just unnecessary. Tomorrow I start with 100 cals; should be a breeze.

Alright, now I'm off to work - here's hoping I can hold on to my willpower. :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

A promise kept

Today's fast has gone well (yeah, the day's not over yet, but I'm feeling good about it). I'm getting ready to make my third cup of tea, speaking of which: my mom and I got a bunch of the most delicious loose teas EVER during our trip (we took a detour into town, cause we're clearly all about roughing it). So anyway, part of my excitement could be cause I've only ever had supermarket boxed teas, but these people had so many freaking awesome flavors (like caramel apple almond!) and I practically had an orgasm just smelling them (hehe, hyperbole alert!).

What I'm especially happy about is that they're super flavorful and don't taste like my typical idea of tea - much as I've tried, I just can't stand regular teas like plain green or chamomile or english breakfast - nor do they taste like slightly flavored water (which fills me with rage - I cannot stand when people put a lemon in my water, as that only provides enough flavor to be completely disgusting). What I'm saying is, these teas practically count as a meal (yet are free of calories). I am absolutely in love and will probably never go back to lame normal teas.

~End product endorsement~ ;)

I also accomplished my workout for the day. Woo! I've decided that since I'll likely be lacking in energy due to low calorie intake I'm only going to commit to running one mile each day, with an option to add a couple wind-sprints in if I'm feeling ambitious. For strength training I started today with 20 push-ups (lame!), 30 sit-ups, and 40 squats with a 45lb weight bar. Each day I'll add one rep to the previous day's total, theoretically building muscle without killing myself. ;) I'll also be throwing in some yoga/stretching after my runs to get some flexibility back.

Tomorrow I'll be getting my hair cut and colored, which will take a few hours and should make it super easy to fast as my parents will be at church in the morning and I'll be working in the evening.

Here's hoping I see a decent loss in the morning! (I've got measurements and progress pics to take)

Can we indemnify ourselves if we don't face what we're against?

I am so very inconsistent. I spent the summer in a big heap of fail, but over the past couple weeks I've been doing better. I finally reached 145 which, while not a terribly impressive accomplishment, is still a place I haven't been since 2009.

This past week I went on a two-night camping trip with my mother and one of her friends, I was able to do surprisingly well. The first day I had 90 calories of soup for dinner, the second I had a 90-cal granola bar for lunch and some salad and gelato for dinner (which I purged). Then on the last day as we packed up and left I didn't eat anything. I honestly did not expect to be able to eat that little without anyone noticing. I was worried at first that my mom would say something to me after we got home, but she hasn't and I think I'm in the clear. I suspect that my family is so used to looking out for evidence of binging that I'll have to be visibly much thinner before they start to wonder. I should be able to put off their concern longer by focusing on how I'm not binging, and any weight loss is just a result of that.

Yesterday wasn't so great, as I ended up binging, but it didn't screw up my weight too much. This time, instead of letting myself spiral down into a week-long binge-purge cycle, I'm stopping it right now and getting back on track.

I'm going on a modified ABC diet during which I'll be fasting every other day and never going above 500 cals. I'll be fasting today and tomorrow to make up for yesterday, and that should put me back on track to lose five pounds each week. Wish me luck!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Like A Building Condemned

Sometimes dismally low expectations turn out to be spot-on.

I try, I really do try, to be optimistic about the possibility of finding someone. Despite the fact that I think it extremely unlikely I'll ever find the right person, I still hold out hope that it could happen, and I try to be open to meeting guys and getting to know them and all that crap. Then, of course, things like this weekend happen. 

I went downtown to hang out with friends on both Saturday and Sunday, which is unprecedented for me lately, what with the whole fat, unattractive, and poor thing I've got going on. So anyway, some people had a friend from college (who is moving out here later this year) visiting for the weekend, and he was present at both the events I attended. We all hung out, had fun times, and he and I talked quite a bit. He was cute, and funny, and all that good stuff. Even more, my instincts said he was interested. He sure seemed to be anyway.

But now that we're friends on Facebook, I've seen that he has a girlfriend, and I feel more than a little bit stupid. I don't think it was apparent that I was attracted to him or anything, as I tend to keep those kinds of things pretty well under wraps, but I still worry that people figured it out and think I'm pathetic or something (cause I'm sure they care so much that they pay that close of attention to me. Haha, right). 

I mostly feel like an idiot because despite getting the distinct impression that this guy was interested, my head told me I was wrong. My head always tells me I'm wrong, because who in their right mind would be interested in me? So this time, I tried to ignore the negative voice in my head and go with my instincts. I spent a fair amount of effort convincing myself that there was no reason for him not to like me, and generally getting my hopes up.

I should have expected it, because every time (and I do mean every time) I'm actually interested in someone, they never feel the same. The only people I've ever dated (one hook-up excluded) have been people I had lukewarm feelings for, and I said yes figuring maybe I'd come to like them more as I got to know them (the answer is no). So it's just incredibly disheartening to have all my low opinions of myself constantly proved right.

Now, I realize that this one experience doesn't mean I won't ever meet someone in the future, but it's another tally mark on the side of it's-never-gonna-work-out-for-me pessimism. I feel like I should have stuck with my previous expectation, the one where I accept the fact that I'll probably always be alone (as far as romantic relationships go), and plan my life accordingly. Then if the unexpected happens and I do meet someone, it will just be a bonus.

So, that was a long and whiny emo post, wasn't it? Other than my pathetic excuse for a romantic life, I'm actually doing pretty well. I haven't lost much weight, because March was a complete failure, but I think I may have found a three-pronged plan for success. 

>First, I'm no longer allowed to spend money indiscriminately, due to my near-complete lack of it. Thus, I've devised a reward system where I get to purchase something for every five pounds I lose. This way, in order to get the things I want I have to be successful at losing weight. I'm putting this list in the sidebar so I can check them off as I go. :)

>Second, I signed up for a half-marathon at the end of June. I felt some serious trepidation about this one, but since a bunch of my friends are doing it, I allowed myself to be convinced to join in. My biggest concern was that I'd fail to get in shape by the time the race rolled around and embarrass myself by being pathetically slow. That could definitely still happen, but so far I've been doing really well at sticking to my training plan. It seems that unlike the arbitrary deadlines I've previously set for myself, having a definite, have-to-be-in-shape-by-then date has kept me on track. I can't make excuses for not working out when I have a goal pace to meet, and looking forward to race day has actually helped make each run not seem so bad. 

>The final branch of my plan for success is the labret(lip) piercing I got on Friday. I found that my tongue piercing was not really deterring binging, as I've had it long enough that it's fairly easy to just take out and put back in. Now, my new piercing is certainly not going to prevent binging long-term, but I can't take it out while it's healing and I don't want it to get infected, so it makes a good initial preventative measure to give myself a head start. It's supposed to take at least two months to heal, and if that's the case I should have the binging problem well in hand by then. After all, the biggest hurdle I have to get past is the initial struggle to escape the addictive nature of binging. The urges to stuff my face are always worst when I'm first trying to stop, so if I can just get past that I should be able to finally beat this problem.

That's the master plan. I hope to reach my goal weight at the end of May so that a have a full month of training in which I'm actually eating a more normal amount of food, as I'm sure I'll need the energy in order to improve my mile time. Today I weighed in at 148.6 (bleh), and I'm hoping to be a pound less tomorrow, and 145 (next reward weight!) on Thursday. Sadly, the lowest I've gotten in a long time is 147, which is incredibly lame. But hey, things are looking up on that front, so I've gotta stay optimistic.

Monday, March 1, 2010

A cadence imperfect

And look at that - it's March. I got the full five points yesterday, which is great. Didn't eat anything, which is also great. I also rediscovered my love of Crystal Light, which will be indispensable in my quest to drink enough water.

For my exercise I ran a mile, and did 50 one-leg squats for each leg plus a 1-minute plank, pilates 100, and another 150 crunches. I plan on focusing on 2-3 areas each day for strength training, and doing enough to be sore the next day. For cardio, I'm thinking of alternating each day of general running with a day of sprints, and trying to gradually increase my distance for both.

I hate that I've never been consistent enough about exercising to get in really good cardiovascular shape. This time around I'm going to stick it out long enough to actually see improvement. I'm not going to try to do too much; instead I'm going to do what I can, and eventually that limit will increase.

I'm trying to change my mindset about my past as well. Instead of feeling like a failure when I reminisce about the times I was thin, I'm going to look at that as inspiration and focus on how much better I felt about myself. I made it there once; I can certainly do it again.

Now that it's March, I no longer have any time for screwing up if I want to look good when the weather gets nice. I don't want to be stuck at home, fat and miserable, when I could be out on my friend's boat having fun. I have 25 days until the weekend snowboarding trip, and if I do really well I'm hoping to be in the 120's by then. I may be able to avoid getting in the hot tub, but I definitely have to wear my snowboarding gear and I want it to actually fit.

So in light of that, I'm off to do my five sprints and drink some water. :)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Plans we made together, almost buried in the sand

There's really no point in having an anonymous blog if you can't even be honest there.

Because of this belief, I have a tendency to avoid posting any time I'm doing poorly. I don't want to face/admit to failure, and it would be stupid to lie, so I just shut my eyes and turn away, figuring no one will notice in any case.

Well you know what? That's a perfect example of why I keep screwing up. If I can't even be honest with myself and face my problems like a grown-up I will never, ever get what I want. So I'm going to do my very best to post here every day, whether I'm doing well or not. I have to be accountable to something.

In light of this, I'm compiling a list of the things I need to do every day, and will award myself one success point for each item completed.

1. <250 calories
2. Cardio
3. Weights
4. Blog
5. 6+ cups water

It's not that much, and it's not that hard. I want to shift my focus and enjoy the small successes I have every day instead of trying to be impossibly perfect. It's going to take time to lose weight, even if I do everything right, and I can't keep letting myself get discouraged when I'm still fat after a few days of fasting. My unrealistic expectations are completely ridiculous and need to be squashed, pronto.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

A flaw in the plan

And I'm back - after almost a month. Bet you can't guess how well I did, given my disappearance.

(If you guessed "complete and utter failure," congratulations!!! You win the prize! *)

Despite the aforementioned failure, I did still manage to make February a better month than most, life-wise. I went up to Vancouver twice, first to watch Stephen Colbert tape his show, and then to bum about town and attend a couple actual Olympic events with some friends. And even though I went and saw Colbert all by my lonesome, it was by far the most fun of all my Olympic activities. I even made it to the front row on the second day - WOO!!!

So for the good I had fun trips, saw Colbert live, and managed to pick up the official red mittens. Of course the bad is that I'm just as fat as ever. This is something I did a pretty good job of ignoring when not faced with mirrors or photographic evidence, but eventually these things cropped up in bathrooms and on Facebook. And even though this is not new, I'm still continually surprised by my ability to trick myself into thinking I don't look like a chubby mess. Until, of course, I see the pictures.

I've just had a thought: right now I have a picture of myself at my lowest weight in my wallet. It's supposed to keep me from buying food to binge on, but I think we all know how well that's worked out. My new thought is that maybe it would be better to print a photo in which I look fat and disgusting and carry that around. If I can barely stand to look at it perhaps the thought of yet more pictures of its kind will be more effective at staving off binging.

In a new act of pathetically foolish optimism, I have committed myself to a weekend snowboard trip with friends next month - paid for my spot in the cabin and everything. Given my previous inability to EVER lose weight by a deadline this was probably a terrible idea, but I can't give up hope, idiot that I am.

I now have only one month to make myself presentable, and so I am going to attempt, again, an extended fast. With today as day one, I have to make it just 28 days. (Hmm... well I guess I've got a post title for the end of the fast). Being stupidly hopeful, I'm going to pretend that I can somehow lose 28 pounds in that time. A girl can dream, right?

I have at least stopped myself from binging today, despite a nearly overwhelming urge to do so. And maybe it's just half a day, technically, but I gotta hang on to the positive and stop getting so discouraged. So now I'm off to search for tips on how to keep from stuffing my face - wish me luck!

*prize may not actually exist

Monday, February 1, 2010

A crack in the surface

**Today, a rant about the CalorieCount forums:** is obviously a website that advocates losing weight by counting calories, but they recommend a more reasonable, healthy approach than what your typical anorectic would follow. I have no problem with that. I read through the forums when I'm bored, and am constantly surprised by the willingness to attack certain posters for truly insane reasons.

The willingness to spread misinformation regarding 'starvation mode' and being underweight is really irritating. Everyone who posts in the forums is quick to angrily rebuke anyone who dares to eat less than 1200 calories per day, telling them that they will immediately enter starvation mode and gain weight. I understand the desire to prevent people from trying an unhealthy level of calorie restriction, but they undermine their position when they say ridiculous, untrue things.

For one, it's patently obvious when looking at people needing 3,000 calories to gain weight that restricting won't necessarily cause weight gain. Also, it would be impossible to become underweight if starvation mode was an immediate, unerring phenomenon.

Another argument that seriously annoys me is that you will lose an inordinate amount of muscle when eating less than the magic, arbitrary 1200 calories. This doesn't take into account someone's age, height, frame size, or activity level. Someone who is very short will in many cases need to eat under 1200 calories to lose just one pound a week.

Any time a person loses weight approximately one third of that weight lost will be muscle, regardless of how fast they lose it. Of course, if a person loses weight very quickly and doesn't get any activity they are more likely to lose extra muscle, but this is not a given. If the body enters ketosis extra muscle loss will not happen, as ketosis allows the brain to more directly utilize the energy from fat stores and prevents the depletion of protein stores (in muscle).

One of the most annoying points of contention is the truly insane and hypocritical way the forums posters look at BMI. They are quick to tell anyone they can that the upper limit isn't really fair and doesn't take into account frame size or body composition, and then turn right around and vilify people whose weight (or desired weight) is anything less than a BMI of 20. Even though 18.5 is still considered perfectly healthy, these people act as though a BMI if 19 is a danger sign of anorexia, and go so far as to say that anyone with a BMI of 17 who dares to exercise is liable to drop dead if they so much as pick up a dumbell.

This is patently ridiculous, coming from someone who had no trouble (beyond my general laziness) exercising with a BMI of 16.4. I certainly never came close to dying. I would say that exercising with a very low BMI is no more dangerous than exercising with a very high BMI, and it depends entirely on the actual health of the person doing the exercising rather than an arbitrary number. Even in treatment centers patients with low BMIs are allowed to exercise when they reach a certain level, for goodness sake.

The fact that these forum posters and moderators (who claim to know what they're talking about) are so quick to spread and believe crap like this is annoying to no end, and more than a little insulting. I certainly do not advocate starvation diets for anyone. I want people to be healthy. But when you try to turn someone away from a behavior using information that is so clearly untrue, you risk having them catch on to your lies and choosing to disregard even the true things that you say. That's what happens when you reveal yourself to be dishonest and untrustworthy.

**End rant**

I do have to say, if it wasn't clear already, that I obviously hold myself to a different standard when it comes to healthy eating. I am fully aware that in this area of my life I am not being logical, but that is a choice I am making. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone, but I'm also not going to go on a crusade trying to convince others to give up eating disordered behavior if they don't wish to. I'm happy to provide advice to those who do want to get out, but ultimately the decision to eat healthy or not belongs to each individual.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

But as we peer a little closer what do we see?

Well, I've got to commend myself for calling this one. After mentioning here that I tend to fuck things up late in the evening, what do you think I did?

That's right, I went and FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. Wonderful.

And because I'm no longer capable of keeping my binges confined to a short time period and then purging, I spent all of Monday AND Tuesday periodically stuffing my face. Way to go. Eventually I realized it made more sense to just stop eating rather than continuing to try to eat enough that I can get off my ass and purge. So I got up on Wednesday and recommitted, as it were, to doing things right.

It's pathetic and stupid that I let this desire to binge completely take over my life. I need to stop letting myself be tricked into thinking that's what I want, because IT SURE AS HELL IS NOT. I don't want to be this weakling that can't control herself - I'm stronger than that.

All I have to do is get it through my head that eating piles of fatty, disgusting junk food is in fact not what I truly want to do - it's just the chemicals in my body trying to take control. I will get what I want by refusing to listen to anything or anyone else.

Mind over matter, my friends.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

This time nothing gets in our way

Got through another day. My tongue is doing better - it hasn't hurt at all even though I've been doing more talking. It's still a tiny bit swollen though, and I need to work on pronouncing my s's so I don't sound like a weirdo. No one in my family has said anything though, so maybe it's not that noticeable.

Today I found out my siblings and I won't be going to my aunt's wedding at the end of February, a change of plans I'm actually happy with. I'm not close to that side of the family, and I don't really care about weddings. Plus I wasn't going to be at my goal weight by then and going to a wedding would have interfered with my 40-day fast.

Today is day 3 and it's going well so far. I don't want to count it officially until I get up tomorrow morning, as many a time I've been doing great only to fuck it all up at 10 or 11 at night. Last night was difficult: first my brother made popcorn, which always makes the entire house smell tasty, and then later I kept thinking about binging. It came pretty close but I was able to talk myself out of it, thanks in part to my tongue ring (when it hasn't been in long I have to take it out in order to binge or it gets uncomfortable).

I realized last night that I needed a better strategy for dealing with the smell (and the thought) of food. It all comes down to changing my mindset. So now instead of smelling something and wanting to eat it, I can just enjoy the smell (which is often the best part anyway) and the empty feeling in my stomach that means I'm doing well.

It's funny - I'm so used to binging all the time and feeling like shit that it's a bit strange to realize I'm not uncomfortably full. I kinda don't know what to do with it. That's probably part of why I have a hard time not binging when the urge strikes - I'm just so used to giving in every time that it's going to take a lot of hard work and discipline to get rid of that habit once and for all.

Which is why I think a full 40 days of completely avoiding food will be good for me. I can break the cycle of binging, and when I do begin eating again I'll start with very small amounts and refuse to allow myself to go overboard.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So start again with steady hands

My biggest problem is impatience. I can't lose forty pounds in a week, and I know that, but I'm so sick of being fat that when I don't see any visible progress I get discouraged. And that is when I'm more likely to succumb to binging, which derails any progress I might have made.

I re-pierced my tongue yesterday (only took twenty minutes to force the jewelry through this time; I must be getting better at it), and my frustration at the fact that it becomes slightly painful if I talk too much is what prompted my musings on patience. If I can't even wait more than a day for my tongue to get used to being pierced, how can I expect myself to lose weight?

So I've given myself a two week waiting period, and I have no choice but to stick to it. I'm giving my tongue two weeks to calm down, during which I will subsist on a liquid, zero-calorie diet. Water, tea and diet soda it is. At the end of this two weeks I will check my weight, and maybe seeing a larger drop then will be better than seeing a miniscule drop each day.

My reward for sticking to this two-week fast will be a two-night trip to the ocean (in all likelihood by myself), which will add a few more days to the fast. When I come home from the trip I can decide to continue fasting or allow myself a couple hundred calories per day. I'm hoping I can stretch it out into a 40-day fast, because that would be impressive.

When I wake up on February 5th having stuck with the fast I can officially say the trip is a go. I'm thinking I'll go on a Wednesday & Thursday night (so Feb 10-12) so I don't have to worry about any weekend crowds, and of course I have to be in town on Tuesday nights for Lost.

I'm on day two now, and it would be really nice to make it past three days. So here I go!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

We hole up in a shelter made of bones and ice and there we'll wait

Pretty successful day.

Weight: 147.8 < blech

total cereal (80)
coffee w/ soy creamer (20)
large carrot (30)
1 tsp dressing (10)
granola bar (130)
Total: 270 calories

running - 3 miles (300)
strength training - 30 minutes (200)
bike ride - 1.5 miles (100)
Total: 600 calories

I didn't quite get to my hoped-for 800 calorie burn, but 600 is still pretty damn good. I think I'm going to switch my exercise up a bit and get all my running in before I get too tired at the end of the day. So tomorrow I'll run in the morning, lift weights before lunch, run again in the afternoon, and then try to get some walking done in the evening.

I love how great I feel after a run - so energized and accomplished. This is in sharp contrast to when I'm actually running and feel like I might die (well, not literally). I've always had pretty good muscle strength without really having to work out, but my cardiovascular endurance is just crap. I don't know that it will improve much while I'm on such a restricted diet, but I plan to keep trying until I've lost weight and can focus on fitness.

I kind of hate the fact that I'm so impatient about losing weight. I also hate that it's impossible to lose five pounds a day. I'm all about contradictions, apparently. What I currently find more disturbing, however, is that my perception of my own weight seems to have become skewed. I occasionally find myself thinking I don't look that bad at this weight, which might not seem like a terrible thing, but invariably when I see pictures of myself on days when I thought I looked good I'm faced with the horror that I was so very wrong.

I suspect this problem stems from the fact that I'm so used to seeing myself weigh 20 pounds less than I do now, and my perception hasn't quite caught up to reality. To be honest, I hope it never fully does. For every ten pounds gone I plan on never seeing them again. I've already said goodbye to the 150's (thankfully I stayed just short of reaching 160, which I expect would have been horrifyingly sad); next up - the 140's.

I think I'm going to make mini-goals every five pounds. I don't know that I'll have any sort of reward that often, cause just being able to say I reached a goal is pretty good. I do have to think up a suitable (non-food, of course) reward for when I get under 130, because I haven't seen the 120's since... September of '08. That's just sad. Sad and pathetic.

So on to positive thoughts! My next goal is 145, which I should reach by the end of the week. That's something to be happy about (gotta think positively - to be honest I'm really not okay with anything above 125, but I have to appreciate the little successes so I don't set myself up for failure). :)

Monday, January 11, 2010

The kind of hurt that burns and burns, like fires we can't contain

Look at me posting twice in one day like a crazy person.

I've gone back and forth so many times in the past, trying to find the best way to get myself to succeed, and I've always failed in one way or another. So now I'm just going to devise a plan and force myself to follow it. No exceptions for anything.

I'm going to follow a modified version of the ABC Diet, which is something I've never tried before. I realize it's just a 50-day diet with arbitrary calorie numbers attached to each one, but maybe having a set number of calories to consume each day will work for me.

I changed some of the calorie targets so that I never go above 300, as that's the upper limit I've set for myself. I don't plan on counting calories from sugar-free gum, and I am of course free to consume less than each day's calorie target, as long as I remember I can't make them up the following day.

Today is day two (I decided to make the first two days fast days), and happily for my love of neatness day 50 falls on the last day of February. I should have no trouble losing half a pound each day without factoring in exercise, which would put my total weight loss by the end of the diet at 25 pounds. I would prefer to lose more than that, of course, so I'm going to try to get in enough exercise to lose three quarters of a pound each day.

That adds up to a 2,625 calorie deficit every day, which is a pretty tall order for someone who burns a max of 1800 calories when sedentary. I don't know if I'll be able to burn 800+ extra calories every day, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

First thing every morning I'm going to get up and run two miles (~200cals). In the afternoon I will lift weights for 30 minutes (~200cals) and go for a bike ride or a long walk (~200cals). Then in the evening, another two-mile run (~200cals). If I'm unable to sustain a running pace (pansy) for two miles straight I can walk for brief periods, but I must increase the distance so that I go the full two miles at a running pace.

There will be no more excuses (I'm tired; don't feel like it; maybe later; have something else to do) for why I can't exercise. I'm just going to man-up and stick to the schedule I've set for myself. If by some odd chance I actually have plans that conflict with my workout schedule, I will get up earlier, go to bed later, do what I have to do, so that I get all my workouts in. That's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is day 3 and I am allowed up to 300 calories. It's a good day to begin my workout regimen. If I stick to my diet and exercise plan I should lose 35 pounds, putting me within five pounds of my goal. That sounds freaking spectacular to me. All I have to do is remind myself of the goal I'm working toward any time I don't feel like sticking to the plan.

In March, I'll finally be able to say yes to those party invitations people keep sending me. :)

A chance to set things straight

I can't look too far into the future - that way lies madness.

After all, I have nothing going for me now; any attempt to imagine my life in five years has me coming up empty. In order for my life to have any meaning, in order for my to be happy, I have to radically alter the direction I'm headed. I have to succeed in this attempt or I will spend the rest of my days miserable, wishing I had made different choices, wishing I was thin.

I've been trapped in this shell for far too long now. I must take back control and shape my life into what I want it to be. I can't survive on the dying fumes of nostalgia forever. One day I will wake up and realize it's too late - I've spent all the best years of my life failing time and again, and now I have nothing to show for my life and no time to make things right.

Yesterday went well, so that's one day under my belt. Today is all I need to focus on. Looking ahead at how far I still have to go only leads to discouragement and failure. All that matters today is today.

There are many ways to pass the time successfully, without resorting to bingeing:
- lift weights
- go running
- shower, shave, and moisturize
- read books
- surf the internet
- walk or ride my bike
- clean my room or the entire house
- paint my nails
- calculate weight loss goal dates
- calculate number of calories to consume at goal weight
- plan future meals
- write
- draw
- watch tv and movies
- hike
- sketch future clothing purchases
- window shop
- read magazines at Barnes & Noble
- go to the library
- go to a movie
- try out new make-up looks and photograph them
- plan 3-day trips
- go on 3-day trips
- look at thinspo!

These ideas are just off the top of my head. Any time I feel I have nothing to do I can revisit this list and choose something to keep myself busy. Many of them have the added benefit of making my life better and me prettier.

The only thing preventing me from being everything I want to be is myself, and I know how to deal with her.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

A sinking ship, an awkward kiss

I've spent far too much of my life worrying what other people think of me; trying to alter my personality, and my likes and dislikes, to make them happy. The time is long past for me to stop all of that and be who I want to be.

I'm going to be weird, and different, and above all I'm going to be thin. The days of being blubbery and disgusting are over. I'm going to embrace the feeling of hunger, knowing that the emptiness in my stomach is evidence of success. When I experience bouts of dizziness it means an end to self-hatred is just around the corner.

I have no obligations or responsibilities; now is the perfect time to focus all my energy on reaching my goal weight, so that when I have a job and plans with friends I will no longer be ashamed to let myself be seen in public.

My daily priorities will be as follows: avoid eating at all costs, lift weights, and run. Updating blogs, reading, and all other leisure activities can be used as a distraction. I know from experience that I have no trouble wasting an entire day online and hardly taking note of the passage of time - this can be used to my advantage. I've already got a decent list of books on hold at the library, and I can add to that, keeping myself occupied with things I haven't already read multiple times.

My life may be slightly unpleasant for a couple months, but that is something I can easily deal with if I refrain from psyching myself out. Once I arrive at my goal weight, my life will be so much better. This is not the naive hope of someone who doesn't know any better; I have lived here, and I have lived there, and I know for a fact that here is much worse.

So here's to the last time I see these 40 extra pounds; if starving is what it takes, then I will starve them away until this bloated existence is but a distant memory.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Hairline Fracture

I was recently asked by a friend, after getting some new piercings, to recall what I was like five or ten years ago. What were my interests? What did I think was cool or attractive? His objective was, of course, for me to reconsider my choice to get unusual piercings based on the way I've changed over the years. The plan backfired, because it turns out I'm nearly the same as I've always been.

I know who I am, and I know what I want. Nothing matters if I cannot be thin, not even my own life.

And so I turn my back on reason and run headlong down the path that I hope will lead to salvation.